Wisdom in an Unpopular Opinion

Greetings

I would like to share with you today an unpopular opinion. Now, I am sure many people would comment and say, “Oh, I agree completely!” However, I know for many, maybe most of them, their actions contradict their response. How do I know? Because I see it happening everywhere—especially with moms.

So, what is this unpopular opinion? Please allow me to explain why I am even bothering to start this conversation. I, too, am a victim. I am a victim of myself; my habits, the things I have been taught, how my brain has been wired to think, and how I have chosen to live my entire adult life thus far. Yes, I am that mom who would say she agrees, and I am also the mom who continues in the ways she has been set in for way too long. But as long as there is breath in my lungs, it is never too late to pivot, it is never too late to change, and it’s never too late to do better.

With that being said, I want you to know…  

“Taking care of yourself, before everyone else, IS NOT SELFISH.”

Read that again.

Let it sink in for just a moment…

Yep, I said it

Well, there you have it. Now that I’ve said it, we have three parties of people reading this blog post. One: those who agree and are thanking me for saying it, as they are now granting themselves permission to invest in self-care. Two: those who want to agree, but cannot imagine prioritizing themselves first without feeling selfish, because they are worried about what others will think, while truthfully, the only person judging them is themselves. And three: those who are in a toxic and unhealthy place mentally, who find their self-worth in taking care of others, and receive no immediate gratification in taking care of themselves, so they continue to put it off until something extreme happens to them, usually in a physical way they can no longer ignore. (Enneagram 2’s, no shade, but you know who you are.)

Does this hit home for you? Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes it’s hard to accept. Moreover, sometimes the truth is disagreed upon, but disagreement does not cancel out what is true, just because you choose to close your eyes to it. And let’s take it one step further; sometimes accepting what is true still does not give you what you need to take action upon said truth. Let's change that today!

My Personal Positioning

So, where does this land for me? I’ve spent a lot of time moving back and forth between the extremes of one, two, and three. What a trifecta! Truthfully, I can relate to you all. I have been in an unhealthy place of finding my self-worth in helping others. So many sacrifices have been made, all of which I will never get back.

Yet somehow, I continue to give more and more, without bothering to refuel myself. And now, I am in a place where it has affected me in a physical way I can no longer ignore. I have sacrificed more than I ever had to give. At the time I am publishing this blog post, I am in week five of being unable to work because of a physical condition I not only ignored, but also made worse because of how I choose to give of myself. I am being forced to be on the receiving end, which is foreign territory, as I await the treatment plan, which will probably lead to some pretty intense surgery, if not now, in the not-so-distant future.

I’ve also moved to a place of agreement with the statement, but not knowing where to begin. I didn’t think I had the time, the money, or the bandwidth, as the people around me just continued to ask for, even demanded, more. So, I continued to do what I knew, taking care of all the things for all the people, without taking the time to figure out what it was I needed the most.

This always results in thoughtless attempts to do what you think you should be doing, without realizing you need different things than all the loud voices of influence in your life. Yet, I remained in a place where I had an understanding that I needed to do something to be able to continue. So, I granted myself the permission to put "me" first. Sometimes... once in a while... when I can fit it in. And occasionally, I was successful, even if it was just a simple bubble bath.

Understand this: when you do not prioritize something, it does not stay at the forefront. When you are not fully committed to change, you will always fall right back into what you know best, even if it is unhealthy, unproductive, or unkind. And this is where I typically reside.

We Need to Talk

So, let’s have a conversation about it. Why is it so hard for us to put ourselves and our needs first? Where does the shame come from when we prioritize “me”? What makes us think we can keep pushing forward, emptying ourselves into everyone else, without first making sure we have been filled up appropriately? How are we blind to the holes in our buckets, which are draining us even faster than what we willingly pour out of ourselves already?

We wonder why we are exhausted. We are baffled at how much we have to do, yet as we continue checking things off our lists, those lists continue to expand. Then we find ourselves at the end of the day, unable to finish what we started. So instead, we choose to pacify the ever-growing anxiety with mind-numbing scrolls. How on earth did we get here?

The truth of the matter is, we are doing too much to begin with. Alternatively, we sacrifice things that matter the most, just to be able to handle things that matter very little or do not matter at all. I am writing to you now because we need to get our priorities in line. Pull out those ducks, let’s get them in a proper row.

I am sure you have heard it before, but it is worth repeating: You cannot take care of anyone else well if you do not take care of yourself first. Now, what do we mean when we say that? What does it look like to take care of ourselves first? Keep on reading, we're getting warmer.

For those of you who are thinking…    “I don’t have the time.”,    “My family needs me more than I need myself right now.”,    “I don’t even know where to begin, so I probably will continue doing exactly what I have been doing." (Not knowing eventually it will all fall apart and force you to face it anyway.) …I am here with a gentle rebuke.

You do have more time than you realize. Prioritizing “you” does not always require as much time as you think. It may take a little more time for you to get started. But once you have sat down and figured out your personal needs (no, not your family’s needs, just yours), making it happen can be less time-consuming than what you currently have in mind.

Where do we [even] begin?

We are going to start very small. This is going to be manageable, bite-sized bits of change we’re tackling, one at a time. As you handle those little things, they begin to add up to make a real difference, which will remain, so long as you keep your focus on your priorities and your goals. You get to make the choice every day when you wake up, what you will put the spotlight on today.

Don’t worry about next month or next week. Don’t even worry about tomorrow. We are going to focus on the “you” you have today.

First…

What do you need? Yes, like, right now. In this very moment. Before we handle any of the big stuff, what is something small you are putting off right now? Forget the laundry, it can wait. Put the “To Do List” aside. It will still be there when you choose to pick it back up. What is your body telling you it needs? Are you hungry? Dehydrated? Did you get a good night’s sleep last night? Start there. Grab a snack, chug some water, and take a nap. YES, you CAN do that.

If you have offspring that need your constant tending, I see you! Who do you trust with your child(ren)? Call one person, your mom, your sister, a friend, and ask them if they can sit with your child(ren) for one hour. YES, you can do that too. And YES, the first person who came to your mind is more than happy to help you. But they don’t know how to help unless you share with them what you need. Also, keep in mind, they may need some notice. If they are unavailable today, don’t get upset or allow yourself to shut down. Ask them when a good time for them is and get it on the books. You need this!

Start with the one small thing. Be sure it is something for you and you alone. Grocery shopping without your kids is great, but it is not self-care, honey. Think of things such as; getting some fresh air and sunshine; moving your body in a way that feels good, like taking a walk or stretching; soak in an Epsom salt bath; spend your child’s nap time reading a book you’ve been meaning to get to, no matter what else is waiting for you; try a new relaxation technique; or bake yourself a special treat.

Then…

Tomorrow, (because right now we are only going to focus on today,) find a little quiet time, even if you have to wake up a little earlier or go to sleep a little later. Prioritizing you is important and takes a little work to begin, but once you do, you will thank yourself for it consistently. Now, I want you to get out a piece of paper. Look at your calendar, planner, reminders, to-do list, wherever you keep your schedule and daily plans. Start small, only looking at the day ahead.

On your piece of paper, create three categories. I will give you an idea of what it represents, and you can name your category, however it fits into your current season.

ONE:

Gotta Happen - Yes - Vital - Non-negotiable - Must - Essential  

This category contains all the things that cannot change. These things must occur, even if it does not necessarily require you to make them happen.   Examples include:   - Work or school   - Church   - Medical appointments   - Parent-teacher conferences   - Holidays   - Anything you have already paid for, especially if it is life-giving (Think exercise classes, counseling appointments, concert/event tickets.)

TWO:

So Extra - Maybe - Flexible - Negotiable - Move - Inessential   This category contains anything you would like to see happen in the time slot you reserved for it, but truthfully, it can wait, even if you have convinced yourself otherwise.   

Examples:  

- Grocery shopping (Permitted, you have at least 3 days’ worth of food currently.) 

- Laundry (Permitted everyone in the house to have at least one more pair of clean underwear and socks.)  

- Play dates 

- Lunch/coffee dates with friends (I promise she will understand.) 

- Seasonal shopping (Never leave this for the last minute.)

THREE:

Forget It - No - Unnecessary - Unimportant - Delete - Irrelevant  

This category is everything you can forget about, and it is probably more than you think. Maybe now that you’re accessing things, you wonder why these things are even here. Maybe you have given too many "yes's" or maybe you had a “crazy idea” that’s actually turning out to be a crazy idea you need to let go of.  

Examples:  

- Volunteer work (I am all for helping others where help is needed, but let’s not forget, you cannot take care of others well if you do not take care of yourself first.)  

- Outings that take more than they give (Like trips to the pool with children whose energy outweighs your own.)  

- Starting something new, which truly is not feasible in this season - Ongoing projects or positions that are not serving you in this season of life.

On your piece of paper, you are going to categorize and write down everything you have going on in the day ahead. Do not overthink it. You know what fits and what does not. Do yourself a favor and be honest. You will not solve anything if you continue to call everything a priority.

Once you have done this, the next step is to lose the third category. Yep! You read that right. Lose it. Erase it. Hit the delete button. Burn it (safely, of course). Throw it out! If you need to inform anyone of the change of plans, please do so in a timely fashion. You do not owe anyone an explanation. Apologies vary depending on what you’re canceling and the timing of the cancellation.

Now, look at your second category. You get to decide what happens with it, but the goal is to minimize the day. Be sure there is nothing on this list that should in fact be on the third list.

For the remaining items, is there anything you can delegate to someone else, in or out of your household? What do I mean by that? If your spouse or child can handle it for you, that is in your house, versus hiring a cleaning lady, which is out of the house. Of course, keep in mind that delegating out of your house can take more time and research, so prepare accordingly.

Once you have made some schedule and “To Do” adjustments, focus solely on the things that must absolutely happen for the day, category one. Slow down, there is no need to rush. Leave yourself some space between to breathe and reset your mind from one thing to the next. Then, at some point in the day, with the time you have reclaimed, do something nice for yourself. Like everything else we’re doing, make it something small.

Continue…

Now, do it all over again the next day. Think about your immediate needs for the day. Eventually, you will come to a day when you require a little more than others, and that is okay! Remove everything unnecessary. If it is draining to you, especially without giving back, then you don’t need it right now. Delegate the things you can and focus on what matters most.

Keep in mind, you do not always have to be present. Your family is capable of helping. All you have to do is ask. Grandparents, aunts, and uncles have vehicles too, and they are more than happy to tote around their favorite grandchildren or niblings.

Now think a little bigger

Get some practice taking it one day at a time. They don’t have to be consecutive days. Notably, you might feel like you fail the first few times you try it. But consistency is key. With continued practice, not only will it feel easier, but you will also begin making better decisions with your schedules and lists, as to avoid the overwhelm altogether.

Gradually think a little bigger. Go from looking at one day at a time to two. Then three. Work your way up to a week. Anything on your schedule that you have repeatedly cut out, consider letting it go for a season, or forever. Anything you have successfully delegated, aim for a continuous commitment so you can free yourself from the responsibility. Before you know it, your own schedule and lists will feel much lighter.

Wise Thoughts

When we give ourselves in a manner that stretches us farther and farther, we are, in turn, giving less of ourselves to those we say “yes” to. We become thinner with each commitment; in some places, we find ourselves transparent because there is nothing left to stretch. Let’s be real… Who is this helping? Absolutely no one! We only harm ourselves in this scenario.

When we tighten our focus, prioritize what matters, realign with our beliefs, our morals, and our values, and learn to let things go, the quality of ourselves we’re left with is of greater value to the ones we are giving it to.

In addition, when our needs are met, this continues to improve the quality of the care we give to others. Eating a healthy, balanced diet and staying hydrated means we feel better. Getting our bodies moving reduces stress and anxiety, helps to stabilize our moods, energizes us, and helps to keep our systems functioning as they should. Taking time to rest also improves our overall quality of life. It is important to find small pockets of time each day to rest, as well as scheduling larger chunks of time to rest at least once a week, such as observing the Sabbath Day.

Moving Forward Peacefully

What are the most important ways in which we should care for ourselves? I have what I believe are the biggest solutions to our problems. If you can shift your focus to the correct priorities, everything else will line up or fall away.

One - The Most Important Relationship

I do believe it starts with the right relationships. First and foremost, our relationship with our Heavenly Father is where we should begin. He is our strength, our safety, our source, and our hiding place. No matter what else is going on, how we got there, or what we need to let go of, He will always be faithful to those who are faithful to Him. God will always send the help and provision we need, He will prepare the way, and He holds the answers we seek for what we should do next.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very ready help in trouble.”

Psalm 46:1 NASB

“The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe.”

Proverbs 18:10 NASB

“The Lord is my shepherd, I will not be in need.”

Psalm 23:1 NASB

Two - Spiritual Insurance Policy

Another important and largely overlooked point of focus…Tithing! We believers are instructed to give a tenth of our harvest or earnings. This is a powerful insurance policy, which too many Christians opt out of.

When we bring our first and best to God with a cheerful heart, what we bring is multiplied, and it is returned to us. We may not be able to fully wrap our heads around it. And we also may not be able to see it happening or where it is going to come from. It does not always return in the form we give it in (money), but it will show up at just the right time. Maybe not in a way we recognize immediately, or in the way we hoped it would come, but God always comes through. He anticipates what we need, and He always works things out for our good.

Personally, I am in a tough place right now. A single mom, who has always been on one income, now unable to work. But I remain joyfully at peace. I know my God has got my back. He has a plan for this, and He is going to continue to come through for me as He always has. I do not need to worry about my job, finding another one, or how I will pay the bills in the meantime. I just need to continue trusting in Him!

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned. Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.”

Luke 6:37-38 NASB

“Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and put Me to the test now in this,” says the Lord of armies, “if I do not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows. Then I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruit of your ground; nor will the vine in the field prove fruitless to you,” says the Lord of armies. “All the nations will call you blessed, for you will be a delightful land,” says the Lord of armies.”

Malachi 3:10-12 NASB

“So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.”

Matthew 6:8 NASB

“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to keep many people alive.”

Genesis 50:20

Three - Gratitude

Of course, we cannot forget the practice of gratitude! Studies have shown that practicing gratitude truly does improve our overall health. Gratitude reduces stress, anxiety, and depression. It can help not only our mental health but also improve our physical health. When we focus on the good things in our lives, we sleep better, wake up feeling rested, improve our heart health, and increase our happiness.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and pleading with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

Philippians 4:6 NASB

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.”

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NASB

Four - Understand The Importance of Taking Care of Yourself

It is important for us to understand why it is okay to prioritize ourselves. We are called to follow the example of Jesus Christ. Jesus put His relationship with the Father first. Why shouldn’t we? Jesus rested on the Sabbath Day. What makes us think we are stronger than the literal Savior of the world, making us feel we get to skip out on our day of rest? Jesus knew when He needed to withdraw, so He did. And He recharged Himself through prayer. Why would we skip over that?

“But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear for clothing?’ For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided to you.”

Matthew 6:30-33 NASB

“After He had sent the crowds away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray; and when it was evening, He was there alone.”

Matthew 14:23 NASB

“And in the early morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went away to a secluded place, and prayed there for a time.”

Mark 1:35 NASB

^“Jesus said to them, ‘The Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord, even of the Sabbath.’ ”

Mark 2:27-28 NASB

“But the news about Him was spreading even farther, and large crowds were gathering to hear Him and to be healed of their sicknesses. But Jesus Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray.”

Luke 5:15-16

Five - Better Planning

Make a plan to tend to your own needs while they’re small before your needs become blazing fires you must scramble to put out. You can only put off your health until your body decides to shut down for you, so you will finally face what is wrong and do something about it. Too many people in my family have worked themselves to the point of literal sickness or physical disability. Unfortunately, that same mindset is deeply ingrained within me—and I am currently facing the consequences of it. I strongly urge you to take a moment to stop, figure out the areas where you can slow down or even let go, and make the time to address your health concerns before it is too late.

“Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought for a price: therefore glorify God in your body.”

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 NASB

Six - Recruit

You need help. Quit acting like you don’t. Deep down, you want it, and you need it. Quit floundering. Let some things go. You were never in control of them in the first place. Open your hands and release it. Walk away! Allow this to be an opportunity where someone else can step up, use their God given gifts, and serve others so they can share in the blessing too. ASK and receive it. Seriously, get the help you need. You don't have to do it all, and you do not have to do it all by yourself.

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.”

Matthew 7:7-8 NASB

Conclusion

You deserve the best care! We don't all need to make a one-eighty today, but we can certainly begin to turn one small degree at a time in a new direction that focuses on us taking care of ourselves first with no shame. Let's improve the quality of ourselves we have to give others, by giving to ourselves, unselfishly, before anyone else. Start by prioritizing your relationship with God, giving of your tithes, and practicing gratitude. Understand the importance of taking care of your own needs so you can better plan your schedules and lists. Don't forget to recruit the help you need, and keep in mind that others are just as happy to help you as you are to help them.

Grace and Peace,

Holly Burnside