Heart & Sole Moms Throw Back Post: Sole Moms Stand Together

Introduction

I never understood why there is so much tension between women. There just seems to be constant comparison and competition. Why do women strive to be better, thinner, tanner, prettier, and more successful than her female peers? I find it horrible that women will climb over each other to reach the top. Do we even know what is there? What trophy are we even fighting to receive? Being at the peak of a pyramid is quite a lonely place to be. There is not much room at the top. Why do we believe this is the position that should be ours?

Most of my life, I’ve never gravitated much toward having female friends. Especially, in the awkward middle school years. I grew up being the younger of two children, my sibling being a brother. I think looking up to him was a big influence in my choice of friends. In my preteen years, I typically hung out with the boys. They always had my back, they didn’t stir up drama, nor did they gossip. Conversations were open and they always made me laugh. The guys were also, quite stupid at times as young men are. But they were my good friends, they were there for me, and they didn’t let anyone get away with bullying me. To me, they were much more fun and interesting than any of the girls in my class.

Now that I am older, I also don’t seem to hang out with the ladies so much. Not for lack of female companions. Now, it is due to adulthood. More so, motherhood. I find myself on different levels of life and motherhood than those I would choose to spend my time with. This is not a bad thing, but it is what hinders us from having the girl time that’s longed for.

What I Believe

When it comes to women, I am ready to make some ripples in this world. Not only do I want to make a difference, but I want to leave a legacy. I want to be the one who inspires women to set aside their differences and come together. More specifically, I want to help sole moms come together. We have things we need to improve on in this world, but we cannot change the world until we change ourselves. And, of course, it is easier to change yourself when you have good friends who can lovingly encourage you to keep reaching for bigger and better.

I believe women need to STICK TOGETHER! How are we going to accomplish anything impactful when we are fighting against our own kind? I believe women need to have each other’s backs, and I believe we need to STAND TOGETHER. When it comes to the powers and authorities of this world, we are greatly outnumbered by our opposing gender. We are held down, and not given the chances we deserve to be serious leaders of society. Yet if we WORK TOGETHER, we could make real change happen. And I believe this is a change we can see take effect in our own lifetime.

Sole Moms Stand

As of 2023, there are roughly 7.3 million single moms in America. Many of whom feel the loneliness that comes with parenting children without a partner. Why should so many women feel this way, separately? What can we do to help one another and make a difference?

I believe as sole moms, we can build a community of strong and independent women, who have the resources they need to take charge of their lives and their finances. I truly believe we can improve our own situations and help encourage others to improve their own as well. Together, we can not only make an impact but also raise up the forth coming generation to make a bigger impact than we can make ourselves. We can raise young women, with higher standards, to better prepare themselves for their futures and make smarter decisions than their parents did. We can also raise young men to be the leaders this world needs for real change when it comes to family dynamics and structure, as well as holding the appropriate respect for women.

Setting an Example

It is so hard to set an example when what we see is our own failures. Many of us are trying to fix ourselves inside and out, as if we are on a stage, constantly being watched. And our audience is nothing but clones of ourselves. We look at them and see innocence, fresh starts, and new chances. But we also see ourselves coming out of them from time to time, and we fear they will follow the footsteps we left behind on all the roads we wished we had never traveled.

How can we set the examples they need to see so we can assure they don’t make our mistakes?

How I Did It

Starting With Me

I, myself, have made some pretty big changes in my own life over the years. When I did so, I knew my kids were watching. They wondered what was going on, and why things were different. Not once were they ever scared to ask questions. So, I was open with them, and honest. Being honest with them helped me to also be honest with myself. Not to mention, they enjoyed the changes they saw, and surprisingly, their excitement helped to hold me accountable.

Within these life changes, I chose to cut everything and everyone that I considered toxic out of my life. A lot of feelings were hurt with the people I chose to cut ties with. But let me tell you, not once did I regret my choice to make them leave. Their absences have been liberating, and I was granted so much joy because of it. It has also had a very positive impact on the lives of my children.

Changing My Atmosphere

I also changed what I allowed my ears to hear. This included my music, the things I chose to watch, the people I chose to listen to. Nowadays, I only allow positive things that help me in my growth. I go to church; I fill my ears and my heart with the Word of God. My podcast and audiobook listening is very selective. I’ve also formed relationships with people who want to not only witness my growth, but who want to take part in it.

Bettering the Future

It has not been easy, but I have taken charge of my life. Leaving my old job was a must. There was a lightbulb that went off in my head about what I needed to do to make necessary changes and completely turn around my finances. A small dream called to me, to be brought to life, so I made it happen. That small dream changed everything and gave me the confidence I needed for making other, bigger dreams happen later.

Once again, I’ve been reminded of what it is like to be passionate about something. To allow a thing to completely consume your mind, hopes, and dreams of the future. Something that is so powerful within you, you are never settled until you find a way to make it happen. For me, my passion is writing. And I have spent the entire year of 2021 figuring out what I need to do to make it happen. Having a passion and dream, and actually putting it into actionable steps, then following those steps to make progress, has been life altering. And this is something my children have borne witness to. Letting them in to making my dreams come true is important to me, for I want them to know and understand that they too, with a lot of hard work, can make their own dreams come true as well.

Starting With Them

Another way I set good examples for my children is by being present and involved. I give them age-appropriate responsibility, but ultimately, it is still up to me to follow through and make sure they are doing what they are meeting expectations. They each have their own chores and are expected to carry a positive attitude about it. Within their responsibilities also comes earned privileged. If chores are done as expected, then the screen time they hope for will be granted.  Another important lesson I try to teach them is that sometimes we need to do things without reward. See a need, fill a need. Maybe the shoes need put away just because, and there is no reward in that but the satisfaction that you helped your family.

Not only are they held accountable for chores, but I also hold them accountable for their words and actions. It has been explained to them, time and time again, how our words and actions effect those around us. Not too long ago, I have had to teach one of my children how to write an apology letter to a friend at school for using hurtful words. It was a difficult lesson to learn, but a lesson I knew I had to follow through with, as to not allow it to happen again. I refuse to allow my children to be a problem for others. It seems I am constantly encouraging kindness and problem solving.

Along with responsibilities and lessons also comes praise. It is so important to me to recognize a job well done. When my kids are overly thoughtful, I point it out and make a huge deal over it, for that is how I always want them to be! Not only do I correct their missteps, but I also rave over the things they do good and excellent at. This is such a confidence booster for little ones, and I feel it is vital to offer this to them. We all love being appreciated and noticed.

Just Be There

Sometimes all our kids need is for us to just be there. Life so easily passes us by because we are so busy trying to do all the things for all the people. And it’s great that we apply our best efforts and do all we need to do for them. But at times, the most important thing for us to do is just stop and be present. Put the phone down for a bit. Listen with your eyes. Look into their beautiful faces, while they tell us the longest story we’ve ever heard about what they ate for lunch today. Turn the TV off early, snuggle up under the covers, and read a story with them, of course, using all the silly character voices they love.

Let them help with things. Pull that chair up beside the kitchen sink and let them play in the bubbles while you rinse the dishes. Allow their helping hands to sweep the floor, even though they are going to miss half the crumbs under the table. Help them to feel big and important by letting them decide what is for dinner tonight. Then let them help you make it. Give them the mix matched socks to pair up, while you fold the pajamas. Let them know how big and helpful they are in those moments. Tell them “I don’t know what I would do without you!”

Kids don’t pay attention to who puts the roof over their head. They don’t have a concept of who pays the bills. When they are grown, they don’t remember who bought them what on their birthday or for Christmas. But they absolutely know and remember WHO WAS THERE. They hold close to them the people who teach them their greatest life lessons. More importantly, even when they don’t remember specific situations, how things happened, or who said what, children will always remember HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

Your Turn

What You Can Do Right Now

It’s time to get involved. Time for making an impact. The biggest impacts start with small, actionable steps. Where can you start right now, today? How can you help make a better future for yourself, your kids, and those around you?

For starters, I believe we can begin with ourselves and our current relationships. Next, we can work with our children. And last, we can take a stand together! You can absolutely start making changes today that will lead to a brighter future for all. Getting involved and sticking together is a fantastic way to have a support system as you take the necessary steps toward your personal growth.

Action Steps

“Write down the vision and inscribe it clearly…” Habakkuk 2:2

• Write down what you want to accomplish in your life within the next week, month, and year.

  • Include a few simple steps of how you can get closer to those accomplishments, then, do them!

• Write down what you want to accomplish in your life within three to five years.

  • Follow that with some big steps you will need to take to make those accomplishments happen. Keep it handy to remind yourself later what you’re reaching for.

• Be intentional about spending time with your children.

  • Put away/turn off all screens and have some play time. Read a book, go for a walk, play pretend, color, play board games. Whatever they love, let them choose, and be present with them.

  • Tell your child something they have done a great job with and help them feel appreciated and seen.

  • Think about the life lessons you want to teach your children and take steps toward those lessons.

• Cultivate community.

  • Get involved with a women’s group near you.

  • Foster connection and support with the women you love.

  • Leave a comment and share your ideas on connection, growth, and community.

Grace & peace,

Holly Burnside

"Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another, according to Christ Jesus, so that with one purpose and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us, for the glory of God." Romans 15:5-7 NASB